I was asked recently by a private coaching client “How do I stop texting someone from a dating app?” Ha! I almost had to laugh, because it seems like such an easy response- simply STOP. In fact, it reminds me of something that used to frustrate me about relating as a young woman- people actually call you up to let you know they don’t want to talk to you anymore. How silly is that?! Of course, by this point, we have all likely experienced ghosting in one form or another and it certainly does not feel good to be on the receiving end. Now, I am acutely aware that this scenario does not apply to many members of our group- either you are not single, or you are single and simply not on a dating app currently. However, I imagine you can all relate to this situation. You find yourself in some type of relationship with someone whom you are simply not interested in conversing with anymore. While the complexity of the relationships may vary, the steps needed to free yourself from the situation are rather simple. For clarity, I refer to the Four Sufi Gates which articulate the path of Conscious Communication with grace.

As you contemplate what to say, consider these 4 questions:

1. Is it True?
2. Does it need to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by me?
4. How can I say it with Love so that it can be heard?

I have witnessed this practice work surprisingly well in many sticky circumstances that have presented themselves to me, my friends and my coaching clients over the years. Now I’m not saying that since it is simple, it is easy. On the contrary, it takes some serious self reflection and exploration of relational dynamics. However, if we take the practice to heart and utilize it consistently, we discover our ability to fluidly converse in a way that honors all parties will become more readily available to us even when applied to long term challenging dynamics.

So bringing it back to the initial question and it’s underlying intent:

“How does one stop texting someone (dating app or not) in a way that holds integrity and allows for the greatest ease for all involved?”

1. Is this True? “Yes, I really have no interest in talking to this person anymore for one reason or another.” In other scenarios with a more developed relationship, this may get tricky. The word “True” can be deceptive, so it may take further self-exploration to discover your truth and the various truths within a dynamic. Although, I tend to keep it close to heart with the only truth we can ever know- our own.
2. Does it need to be said? “Yes, I need to say this or I will feel some obligation to continue texting this person if not ghost them neither of which resonates with my awareness practice.” Consider a situation in which your truth does not need to be spoken and you can simply walk away without negative consequences. I love leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone. No interruptions of a good time necessary just to communicate sad news. No one ever seems offended, they simply remember the fun we had until the next time we meet.
3. Does it need to be said by me? “Yes, who else is gonna do it?” Obviously, in this scenario, no one else is going to be making the announcement for you. However, in other situations, you might find that there is a more appropriate person to be having the conversation or setting the boundary in the dynamic- for example empowering a teen to speak up for themselves as a mindful parent.
4. How can I say it with Love so that it can be heard? Now this is where it can get challenging. So many of us are running on old conditioning scenarios from our childhood which is partly why we reACT in relationship rather than RESPOND which points to taking personal responsibility rather than acting out of habit. That said, the easiest way to think of how to communicate your truth or needs clearly and kindly is to imagine how it might feel to receive this information. Then combine that with what you know about the person who is receiving it. So via text (or on a dating app) it might sound like this: “Hey John, I have enjoyed our time connecting virtually and in person. I want you to know I think you are a really fun and bright guy. However, I don’t believe we are the right match for dating. I trust you will find the right person for you. Be well!” Now was that so hard? Doesn’t that feel clean and respectful?

Again, this technique takes some practice. I find there are times when relating to my loved ones that the lines blur more readily and I find myself saying something that is not kind when frustrated or angry or sad feelings arise and I am overwhelmed by them instead of present with them. In those times, as soon as we realize our Self in the moment, take a breathe, ask for a moment and consider the Four Sufi Gates. Once we have the opportunity to shift into a conscious mindset, forgive ourselves and the other for being human, we are often presented with the most loving thing to say.

With so many people re-evaluating work, home life and relationships right now, we face a new challenge of where to find the support and guidance we need to get started on the next best step.

Do you feel alone, stuck or even pulled in several directions at once?  You may need a guide to inspire and lead you toward your new destination.